Thursday, January 1, 2015

Looking For the Light In 2015

This new year, 2015, I am thankful for fresh starts.  I am thankful that despite everything that did or didn’t happen in the previous year, despite the position of our hearts, the world grows and we are forced to grow with it.

Typically at the years turn, I have a good grasp about what the last year was about; what I did well at, what I didn't do well at, what direction I grew, and what direction I felt myself growing.  I can pinpoint a mantra for the past year and intuitively know what it will be for the coming one.  This years change has been different for me though.

I entered 2014 feeling extremely strong and extremely high.  Perhaps it was the feeling of strength that actually allowed for pride and let in failure.  At the beginning of 2014, I felt infallible and made choices as though nothing could touch me, I believed that myself was stronger.  I did what I wanted to do and what I didn’t want to do, thinking that there wasn’t opportunity for me to get truly hurt or touched.

As the year unfolded, I worked hard and ran into road blocks.  I was frustrated by my inability to make the life that I wanted.  I made choices and saw me hurting myself.  But it was like a bad nightmare that I couldn’t get out of once it had been set loose.  My heart often hurt and I was plagued my the most extreme anxiety that I had ever faced.  I knew everything in my life was wrong, I had walked myself there, so I had to keep showing up for everything.  

But somehow, I believe through grace, I heard the smallest voice calling to me.  And I obeyed.  I obeyed the vision when I had no knowledge but only a heart felt understanding.  My soul began to weep, for everything broken, for all the pain, for all that was unfulfilled.  And I listened.  I soothed my heart through painting.  I kept my soul fed through church and reading works by those who understood the heart and the spirit.  I found a therapist who helped me trust my heart.  I felt the dark around me and myself blind in it, yet I conjured all the braveness I had, to just keep going.

Grace spoke to me in my darkest hours and showed me my heart.  And in the darkness I made choices that honored my heart, soul and spirit.  My choices haven’t come to pass yet, but they are set in motion.

I am humbled at this new year.  I do not know what tomorrow will bring and I can not claim a mantra.  As the year change came upon me, I couldn’t understand it fully, but I was thankful that this past year was over.  I felt I was given a gift, to be able to start fresh.  As I thought about this fresh start, and all the better decisions that I was making, I still knew something was going to have to give further in order for me to be able to shake the darkness that tainted my vision.  I was impressed to consciously think about light.  

I have a disdain for positive thinking, I always feel that reality is more than sufficient and most accurate, a bit of fantasy is necessary....but never, positivity - that is fake.  So what did I mean when I thought about my desire to look at things in a better way?  I think I meant, to see the light side.  I believe that 2014 brought me deeper to the vantage of the worst, to a point that I no longer saw the side that was light.

It is hard, as I said, I have made choices, but not all has come to pass and there is still much uncertainty ahead.  However, as the year turned and I felt grateful to be given a fresh start, I saw my need was to see light to stay alive.  So in 2015, I, the girl who hates positive thinking, but has now spent too long in dark depths, is going to make a small intention to look for the light.

I woke up on January 1st knowing this was right.  It was a small germination of thought that had begun to form a couple of days before, but as I stumbled out into the sunny and clear New York City morning, I knew that I was to look towards the light.

Grace and Peace in 2015

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